Jean-Claude Van Damme

Timecop (1994)

The Great Movie Re-Watch

Timecop (1994)

Director:

Peter Hyams

Writers:

Mark Verheiden

Starring:

Jean-Claude Vann Damme

Mia Sara

Ron Silver

Bruce McGill

Gloria Reuben

Blurb:

Max Walker, an officer for a security agency that regulates time travel, must fend for his life against a shady politician who’s intent on changing the past to control the future.

Thoughts:

Timecop is an amazing title and one I use whenever I’m making books in The Sims. It’s one I’d love to use to write my own pulp fiction novels. Alas, time is not on my side with that (my hobbies totally have nothing to do with that lol). This movie gives you everything you would expect from that title starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. The plot makes no sense and is filled with so many holes it barely stands up. There are massive explosions. An ass shot, that I sadly missed, however, I did not miss the boobs. There was also, of course, a splits shot. What more could you ask for?

All that aside, this is not one of my favorites. It never lives up to the image in my head that the title creates. It’s such a cool concept, but it comes off as a by-the-numbers story. It’s directed fine, but it suffers because of the story. Yes, yes, I know it’s an action movie, the story shouldn’t matter. In this case, though, I can’t move past it.

Timecop came in a Bluray case paired with Bloodsport so I won’t be getting rid of it, but it’s definitely not one I plan on re-watching. At least not anytime soon.

Hard Target (1993)

Great Movie Re-Watch

Hard Target (1993)

Director:

John Woo

Writer:

Chuck Pfarrer

Starring:

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Lance Hendrickson

Yancy Butler

Arnold Vosloo

Blurb:

A woman hires a drifter as her guide through New Orleans in search of her missing father. In the process, they discover a deadly game of cat and mouse behind his disappearance.

Thoughts:

Hard Target is about peak Jean-Claude Van Damme and yet, despite some egotistical comments, he did not demand writing credit, worked really hard, and didn’t ruin the movie. He did make an attempt in all fairness. They had to send the movie back multiple times because it was so violent and his people did their own Cobra take where they cut everyone else, but thankfully that wasn’t the one that was chosen. It would be nice to see the original unrated version, but that’s never going to happen.

My re-watch quest has revealed some bitterness towards several Hollywood people and apparently, Stallone is one of them lol

Hard Target is one of, if not the last good 80s style action movie. It has a saxophone. It has a bare-bones plot that upon any kind of thought makes no sense. It has Jean-Claude Van Damme with a mullet so greasy you could fry chicken from all the oil. There’s Yancy Butler with a disappearing black eye. And, according to my husband, you’ve got Lance Hendrickson playing the best action villain of all time. Plus, it’s John Woo’s first American movie.

It’s a lot.

Wait, did I mention it’s got the Diabetus man in it? Wilfred Brimley plays Van Damme’s cajun, bow and arrow toting, uncle.

As if you needed another reason to watch.

The final fight scene is set in a cross between a barn and a warehouse. It’s filled with Mardi Gras floats that explode at a moment’s notice. There are also doves flying all over the place. I believe there was a crossbow, a sword, guns, and, of course, flying splits.

I’m fairly certain Hard Target missed nothing on the 80s action movie bingo card. Well, Yancy Butler did not kiss Jean-Claude Van Damme, but she would have.

This is my husband’s favorite movie but I’ve surprisingly only watched it two times. It’s entertaining and if Van Damme’s hair wasn’t so greasy I would enjoy it more. Despite that, it’s a fun film and was a good re-watch.

Bloodsport (1988)

The Great Movie Re-Watch

Bloodsport (1988)

Director:

Newt Arnold

Writers:

Sheldon Lettich

Christopher Crosby

Mel Friedman

Starring:

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Donald Gibb

Leah Aryes

Norman Burton

Forest Whitaker

Blurb:

“Bloodsport” follows Frank Dux, an American martial artist serving in the military, who decides to leave the army to compete in a martial arts tournament in Hong Kong where fights to the death can occur.

Thoughts:

I’ve been stuck on Bloodsport for a while because it’s another one of my husband’s movies, and he can’t watch movies as frequently as I do. He prefers to play video games. Eventually, I got tired of waiting and put it on while he played Monster Hunter on the switch, occasionally looking up. I realize, technically, I could skip these kinds of movies. It’s not mine, after all. It feels like cheating, though. I don’t hate Bloodsport. I don’t feel a need to own it, but I don’t have an issue watching it. So I force myself to all in the name of sticking to my Great Movie Re-Watch plan.

Bloodsport is one of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s first big movies. Despite the lack of plot and inclusion of most action movie cliché’s it was incredibly popular and made a decent amount of money. Enough to spawn a couple of sequels, at least. The fight scenes are fun, but the acting is pretty bad, and the story is often unintentionally hilarious. There is also a cat that meows throughout all of the fight scenes. It’s distracting and annoying.

One of the best things to come out of Bloodsport is a Mentos spoof commercial that I will link to below. It’s another entertainingly bad action movie.

Pound of Flesh (2015)

Pound of Flesh

Pound of Flesh (2015)

Director:

Ernie Barbarash

Starring:

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Darren Shahlavi

Charlotte Peters

Plot:

A man’s heroic attempt to help a woman in distress ends up with him waking up the next day without a kidney and plotting his revenge.

Review:

In case you couldn’t tell from the plot synopsis or the pic this movie is not good. The question is, is it so bad that it’s good?

No.

That was easy.

When JCVD is the best actor in your movie, you’re going to have a bad time. There was green screen at really odd moments, awkward shots, and poor plotting. The movie was truly embarrassing to watch and apparently one of the better cheaply made action movies out there.

Even if you like those types of movies I really couldn’t recommend this one. The ending is truly horrible and I ended up fast forwarding through a lot of it. The only reason it’s not getting a one star is because I didn’t absolutely hate it.

1.5/5

Welcome To the Jungle (2013)

Welcome-to-The-Jungle-Comedy-Movie-2013-6

Director:

Rob Meltzer

Starring:

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Rob Huebel

Adam Brody

Plot:

A company retreat on a tropical island goes terribly awry.

Review:

This movie had it’s good moments but there was too much romance going on. Based on the trailer alone I didn’t realize there was going to be that much but that’s a movie trailer for you.

There were a few hilarious parts, some boobs, and cannibalism. But that’s it.

*shrug*

I guess it takes more to entertain me than it used to. Maybe if there were more boobs?

Jean-Claude Van Damme was good but not in the entire movie. Rob Huebel was hilarious. Adam Brody was predictable.

2.75/5